In the Depths of Depression

Back in January of '09, I went through a bout of depression. I was stressed out from my co-op job, and my less than stellar performance in my classes the previous semester. Add on top of that the fact that I was thoroughly convinced I would never be able to take care of myself properly (since sometimes I forget to take care of my basic necessities) and it was a recipe for disaster. During that time period I came so close to ending it all. I thought about suicide constantly. I broke down crying at work. It was such a horrible experience. Every day I went to bed panicking because I hadn't done it earlier in the day and it was too late by that time (since I figured the easiest way to do it would be through poisoning but the chemicals I needed were kept in the basement and my brother was always down there at night). I felt extreme anxiety and I felt like it came from the fact that I had no immediate way to kill myself. what I felt was overwhelming.

I can honestly say that one of the few things that kept me going through it was friends. One friend in particular. One of the worst things I could do would be to cause her more pain than I know she has already suffered. I couldn't do that to her and so I kept on living. So in the most unintentional way, just by being there and being a good friend, she saved my life. How do you tell someone they literally saved your life without even knowing it? I feel like I should be thanking her every single day, and yet I don't think she would understand. Ah well, such is the depth of human emotion.