My own eternal battle

So there's something that has been bothering me a lot lately. And I think maybe I am going to regret writing this post later on, and maybe delete it or edit it but as Garcia says "Once something's out there on the internet sir, you can never take it back".

It all started somewhere back during the summer between 10th and 11th grade. I had been chronically teased about my weight, and I was under so much stress. I became obsessed with my body image. I weighed myself constantly. I started off not eating if I could avoid it, and gradually fell into a very bad pattern that summer and began purging after every meal. I lost a lot of weight that summer, losing somewhere around 20 % of my body weight. But my parent's began to notice something was wrong. I managed to pass it off as being do to nausea. They told my doctor about it. It stopped for a while... sort of.

I did it on and off for the rest of high school. But gradually it changed. Instead of just purging after meals, I was eating large amounts of food, and then purging out of guilt. By now it was the summer between high school and first year of universtiy. By first year of university everything changed. I was living in a residence, with a common shared bathroom, and I just didn't feel comfortable there. The binging still continued, followed by periods of restrained eating, but it was never enough. Over the next two years, I slowly regained all the weight, even though I would falls back into my bad pattern whenever I went home.

This past summer, everything got worse. My weight started to become a big issue. I was working away from home for summer. I was living in a dormitory with shared communal bathrooms but there were so few of us there that I could usually get the bathroom alone. I stopped eating properly. I would purge after every meal except for those increasingly rare occasions when I would eat at work. By the time I got home there would be no point. And even then I didn't really eat 'meals' except for when I had dinner with friends. I would instead binge on junk food and then immediately purge.

This continued for the entire summer. I thought it would end when I went back to university. That I would stop being able to purge and so I would maybe start eating healthy again. But it hasn't. I found myself binging and purging, only occasionally eating a healthy meal on campus. I'm spending way too much moenney on junk food, but I can't stop it. I've tried, but the anxiety becomes to much, and I have to carry though just to make it go away. Even that sometimes doesn't work.

And the anxiety has only gotten worse. First of all... at the end of the summer I had a consultation with a psychologist for a specific reason. The consultation included filling out a one of these inventories, I don't remember which one. There was a question on eating habits there, and I lied on one part just becuase I knew my parents would be filling it out too. It didn't matter though becuase the psychologist still mentioned bulimia nervosa in front of my parents. From my reaction he could see I wasn't comfrotable and so he didn't really address it then.

But here I am, studying psychology myself. And one of the courses I took this semester was psychopathology. And one of the chapters was on... you guessed it, eating disorders. The lecture on eating disorders was given by a guest lecturer. I felt so uncomfortable during the lecture and almost ended up in tears. Between that and the text book and the good old DSM-IV TR I could no longer deny what I had been trying to ignore for the psat 4 years. That if I went to a clinician who had the proper additional 2 years of supervised training and qualifications necessary to preform such diagnoses, that I would probably be diagnosed with an eating disorder.

Yet even that agknowlegement does not help me at all. I can't bring myself to seek treatment, to bring it up withn my parents, or anything. I know the stats... the word chronic if untreated rings through my mind. I am tired of it all yet I just can't seem to stop. My life has suffered, I feel so down sometimes, yet I don't know what to do. earlier this semester I managed to make my throat bleed yet again, but this time it was worse than ever because I scratched the bag of my throat with my finger nail. And then had trouble breathing from the blood I accidently inhaled.

One of the reason I can't talk to my parents is becuase I know I still won't get the help I will need. They will just ignore the porblem like they have for the past 4 years and tell me to stop doing it, the same way they have ignored the problem every other time I have asked for their help. I can't trust them to do the right thing anymore, yet I can't do this alone.

it's taking time from my studies. It's costing me money I can't afford to lose. I have no one to turn to and I feel so lost and confused. This is my silent plea, my final cry for help.