What Scissors Can Do

The other day I was just sitting here and a sudden urge hit me. I started of small, with the same knife I used before. I started off in a rather unusual way, my upper forearm near the shoulder being my chosen target. "It's easier to hide" was the thought that ran through my mind. Of course the knife did no better a job of cutting than it did the first time. All it did was scrape up the skin, though my lack of co-ordination may have had something to do with it. Next I tried using a metal nail file, becuase of something I had seen on tv ages ago. But I didn't have the heart to stab the soft tissue, and I suspected it wouldn't work anyways because in the tv show the nail file had been stabbed through someone's eye, which seems much easier to stab then the arm, for obvious reasons.

Thus I quickly switched to a pair of scissors. Not regular scissors, no but a pair of manicure scissors from my personal care kit. I used the tip of the scissors to scrape away the skin, one layer at a time. As layer after layer fell away, the pain increased. I felt a sense of deep satisfaction at that. For once this was something I could control completely. I didn't manage to draw blood, becuase after a time the pain became too intense that I wimped out and couldn't continue. But I did leave a mark, one that causes me pain when it rubs against my sleeve, a reminder in myself. And in that pain I find my solace.

On another note, I binged agian today. What follows was one of the harder times I've been through.... somehow I can't even bring myself to say the word. But at one point I almost stopped from the pain in my throat. I think I managed to make my throat bleed again, for there was blood on my fingers. This means a couple of days without food. But in starving myslef I will find comfort. As the song says, find comfort in pain.