Test Jitters

So this morning I had to take a test. But not a normal kind of test. It was a test that would measure 28 different things, including attention, processing speed, and impulse control. What made me nervous was not just the test itself, but was the fact that it was being used to test how well the new meds are working. I feel like the meds are working, but then I thought that too, sort of, about the old meds and guess what? They did nothing.

It's not just that. I worry that they might actually be working but I might screw up on the test. What if I'm just not fast enough? What if the test is just too hard? All these things get me down. I feel like it's my fault the other medication wasn't working, and that I wasn't working up to my full potential. I think I would have felt disheartened if I found out the new meds weren't working either.

The good news is the new meds are working as well as can be expected, which is pretty darn good. The bad news is... well there is no bad news, at least not on this front. But now I feel silly for putting myself through a pointless bought of midnight worry, all for nothing.

Anxiety Like Crazy

I am really worried about my weight these days. Especially since I have access to a scale for the first time in a couple of months and lets just say the results are less than stellar. When I came home and weighed myself I just wanted to die. And I mean that in the literal sense. I've gained some weight and I'm not happy about it.

Over this Christmas break I've been careful about what I eat, but I feel like my behavior is out of control. For one thing I weigh myself daily, or several times a day. I know that's not good since weight can fluctuate daily, but I can't help myself. I am alternatively starving myself, or engaging in purging behaviour when I do eat.

I think my mother suspects something. I sometimes turn on the water when I'm doing it and my parents noticed the water running. My mom asked me what I was doing up there. I lied and told her I was washing my hands. I can tell she didn't believe becuase she said it doesn't take that long to wash your hands. I lied to her again and says it does if the smell won't come off. She didn't say anything to that but I don't think she believed me.

And I weighed myself not to long ago and the results made me want to cry. I know I should stop doing this to myself, but I can't help it no matter how hard I try. It's part of the disease. A part of me knows that. But I just don't know what to do anymore. What I really need is my good friend, the only one who knows about it...

wait that's not true. Another friend knows about it. I told her about it to try and make her feel better about herself. I don't think it worked because I'm just not that great at explaining these things to other people. Maybe I am in the wrong field.

Whatever, I am just trying to get by day by day. Any day when I don't wish I were dead is a good day in my books. Sometimes those days seem few and far between.

It doesn't help that I am trying so hard not to worry my mother. She told me before how she hasn't had a proper nights sleep in years because she's too busy worrying about us. I feel bad for making her worry. But in my effort to stop her worries I think I might be harming myself. I'm not getting the support I need, so I end up feeling like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. With things going the way they are, the future looks bleak indeed.

Ongoing Tactile Hallucination?

Now I can tell I am sleep deprived.

I was studying last night and hadn't gotten much sleep this past week. As I was sleeping I was listening to music. I kept trying to pull the headphones out of my ears, even though I wasn't wearing headphones. I passed it off as the result of having spent way too much time listening to music through my headphones.

Earlier today I was writing an exam. The whole time I felt like my iPod headphones were still in my ears. And then the same sort of sensation extended to my glasses when I took them off during the exam. I kept trying to reach up and adjust glasses that weren't there.

It actually gets worse though. Because these "phantom headphones" Behaved as if they were plugged into my computer. Sometimes I could hear the static from my friends mic. Other times I could hear him talking. Sometimes it was just music or this buzzing sound. But it was an incredibly weird experience to say the least.

Apparently Sociology Bores Me

Clearly my mind is trying to tell me something. I can spend hours at a time studying for my Research Methods course even though it's not exactly the most interesting course in the world. But as soon as I start studying for Sociology somehow everything else in the world becomes more important.


I also predict that the short answer question I am struggling with will undoubtedly appear on the exam tomorrow. I mean there is already a 25 % chance that it will appear on the exam, and a murphy's law sort of situation undoubtedly makes it inevitable.

And for some reason right now I have a crazy urge to read a Criminal Minds fic... but since there are no good ones right now I may just have to right one. Don't know how tat works. But alas I must get back to studying since I have two exams tommorow and I really want to be ready and not have to spend all night studying. Becuase I still have to do a bunch of studying for my psychopathology class too.

Wish me luck.

Oh and yesterday I was studying for my psychopathology class with my friend and there was something about Tardiff Disconessia (no idea how you spell that). I was like "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I know this one" and not only answered the question right (to be fair it was mutiple choice), but went on to explain how I knew what it was not from the textbook but from an episode of Criminal Minds. And then went into a rant explaining the Episode (Derailed). I think she may think I'm slightly crazy now.

Another Criminal Minds Dream

I had another criminal minds dream. It was another one of those ones where I wasn't actually in my dream.

It started off with Reid receiving a weird letter written by Hotch... some sort of threat. And he remembered a similar letter from the past that Strauss had been behind. So he thought maybe Strauss was behind this letter. But Hotch tells Reid it wasn't anything serious and to just forget about it.

Despite what Hotch says Reid is sitting there fretting over the letter. Then he finds a note. He picks it up and the note reads:
I'm sorry for this

- Hotch

He says "Sorry for what?" out loud. And then Hotch who has snuck up behind him, says "For this" and jabs a needle full of clear liquid into Reid's neck and injects him with what was in the needle. Reid falls to the floor unconcious.

When Reid wakes up he's strapped to an examination table. There is a scientist in a white lab coat in front of him, preparing to do some sort of experiment that had to do with tranplanting parts of Reid's brain. I don't know what the experiment was exactly but it clearly had to do with killing Reid and performing experiments with his brain. That made me sad :(

Things you Should Have Done that you didn't do?

Have you ever regretted something you should have done but didn't do? I recently have. I was vacuuming on Monday and I always have to unplug the fridge so it doesn't come on when I am vacuuming and blow a fuse (yay for student housing). Well this time I forgot to plug it back in afterwards. I didn't even realize it was unplugged till a day and a half later when I wondered why the dip I had left in the fridge for 3 hours wasn't cold yet. I majorly regret this becuase the freezer thawed out and now I don't trust those microwave dinnres. Not that I could cook them anyways becuase cardboard containers don't do so well when they get wet. Just a fact.

Yet Another Criminal Minds Dream

So I had a weird Criminal minds dream the other night... well day rather. The whole experience was rather weird since I was getting "details" that were pretty specific, and the whole thing left me really confused. For one thing it felt like I was watching an episode of Criminal minds. And in it some of the finer details were screwed up... it was like an alternate universe.

In this Universe.... Jack and Reid were brothers. They also have a random unknown sister who is sort of annoying. Hotch was still Jack's dad so I guess that would have made him Reid's dad as well. Hayley was there too. The basic scenario was that Reid was visiting "home" for the Holidays. They were having a get together with extended family, and friends. Everyone was gathered outside except for Hotch, Hayley, Jack and Reid, who were inside. Despite the fact that it was around Christmas in the dream, there was no snow outside.... probably a testament to the fact that no matter the time of year, the team never encounters snow.

Anyways, Reid is sitting on the couch with his sister watching tv. For some reason they seem to be watching an episode of Criminal minds. In the episode of Criminal minds, it's at the very end of the show, and it seems like something bad had happened to Reid, and Jack was infected with some sort of Disease from a cut during an attack. We don't actually here this directly but it is implied from a phone call. We see a set of family potraits, and Both Reid and Jack's portraits are smashed.

Reid's sister walks away, and says something Bitchy. For some reason, the episode on tv is "Rewound" too see what led to this, only now it seems like the episode has changed. Reid has a strange premonition, and calls Jack over to him, asking how his little bro is. He holds him close, and asks "You want to watch your brothers show with him?" (indicating the Criminal minds epiosde he was watching). All of a sudden there is a commotion outside in the yard. A gang of tough looking guys approaches. Instinctively, Reid knows they are after Jack, and sends him into the other room, a long with a little girl who suddenly appears.

The gang terrorizes the people outside momentarily before entering the House. The TV is still playing in the background. Reid stands up but the gang surrounds him. They are all carrying knives. Reid tries to reach for his gun, but one of the gang members grabs it. One of the other gang members (not the same one who grabbed the gun), grabs his arms and pins them behind him. Another dude punches him in the gut, and the guys who aren't holding him walk into the next room, where they find Jack. Reid gets away from the men, and hits rewind on the remote, and suddenly the Criminal minds episode on the TV changes to another alternate ending.

The scene in the room changes. The guys are gone, and Jack is still sitting there with Reid. This time Reid knows what is going on for sure. He gets Jack and the litttle girl to hide under the couch (which is sort of like a bed. I'm not quite sure how this works). The gang members come back, and terrorize the people outside. When Reid sees them he runs around searching for his gun, but it's nowhere to be found. The gang members enter the house, this time holding both guns and knives. They search around, and Jack and the girl crawl out from under the couch and run into the next room. Reid follows them. As the gang members enter the room, Reid grabs his gun from somewhere, and starts shooting them one by one. For some reason one of the gang members looks like Rossi. He gets them all and Jack and the girl is safe. Somehow Reid himself is safe despite the gang memebers having automatic weapons.

later I had another dream where I got some more information. Apparently the reason Reid was part of Hotch's family was becuase he was actually undercover to protect Jack. I'm not quite sure where Hotch and Hayley ended up during this scenario, nor the sister. They sort of dissapeared into the background once the attakc happened.

It's funny but I sort of see the makings of a weird fan fiction in this dream, if I can work out some of the unexplainable kinks. And the weird part is, that during this dream I had sort of a writer's view of what was going on. I was getting the characters motivations, information I shouldn't have from what I was seeing, occasionally I got a first person view of the situation (like when Reid was shooting the bad guys) so I guess maybe my brain was trying to tell me something. The only quesiton is... should I listen?