Anxiety Like Crazy

I am really worried about my weight these days. Especially since I have access to a scale for the first time in a couple of months and lets just say the results are less than stellar. When I came home and weighed myself I just wanted to die. And I mean that in the literal sense. I've gained some weight and I'm not happy about it.

Over this Christmas break I've been careful about what I eat, but I feel like my behavior is out of control. For one thing I weigh myself daily, or several times a day. I know that's not good since weight can fluctuate daily, but I can't help myself. I am alternatively starving myself, or engaging in purging behaviour when I do eat.

I think my mother suspects something. I sometimes turn on the water when I'm doing it and my parents noticed the water running. My mom asked me what I was doing up there. I lied and told her I was washing my hands. I can tell she didn't believe becuase she said it doesn't take that long to wash your hands. I lied to her again and says it does if the smell won't come off. She didn't say anything to that but I don't think she believed me.

And I weighed myself not to long ago and the results made me want to cry. I know I should stop doing this to myself, but I can't help it no matter how hard I try. It's part of the disease. A part of me knows that. But I just don't know what to do anymore. What I really need is my good friend, the only one who knows about it...

wait that's not true. Another friend knows about it. I told her about it to try and make her feel better about herself. I don't think it worked because I'm just not that great at explaining these things to other people. Maybe I am in the wrong field.

Whatever, I am just trying to get by day by day. Any day when I don't wish I were dead is a good day in my books. Sometimes those days seem few and far between.

It doesn't help that I am trying so hard not to worry my mother. She told me before how she hasn't had a proper nights sleep in years because she's too busy worrying about us. I feel bad for making her worry. But in my effort to stop her worries I think I might be harming myself. I'm not getting the support I need, so I end up feeling like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. With things going the way they are, the future looks bleak indeed.