Despair

Lately I find myself getting upset over the littlest things. It doesn't take much to send me off into a fit of crying. Some days I wish I could just sleep all day. I feel like I am turning into someone I despise, someone I loathe... someone I hate.

I fear that I am pushing everyone away from me. Even the man I love. Yet somehow I can't stop it. For most of my life, I've felt like I've been at war with myself. It was only recently that I at last seemed to have found some peace. But now I see my peace lying shattered. For the first time in months I thought about ending it all. It wasn't even intentional. The thoughts came unbidden. I know I would never go through with it, as I couldn't do that to myself, and I have so much to live for.

The only explanation that comes to mind is the environment. It can't be healthy being back in a place that holds so many painful memories. My mother promised I would be safe, but she has said that so many times before. Being back here is doing much for my mentality either. The negative feelings that persisted last summer are back in full force. I fear that the behavior I've been practicing has been messing with my meds. Yet I feel powerless to stop it.

Each day I tell myself "Not today. Not today". Yet each day I give in. I thought I might actually make it today. the day started off fairly well. I got up, I watched one of my favorite episodes of Criminal Minds. I checked my e-mail. I applied for some jobs. I played some AO. But then things started to go bad around 4:00.

I found out that my love was going to be away all day. It wasn't the fact that he was going to be away so much as the fact that he didn't tell me. I had to hear it through someone else. This especially hurt since last night when I was going to bed he told me he loved me and he would talk to me in the morning. I know I overreacted, and this knowledge just makes it worse. But I miss him, and I need to lean on him, and on his inner strength he may not even realize he has, in order to make it through the day.

Anyways if I keep talking about this I am going to start crying again. I may have to talk to the 'rents, since I may have to see a doctor about this. I don't like feeling this way... so down and drained of energy. I would rather be happy and fulfilled.