So I just realized I haven't posted here in forever. Literally, the last time I posted I was talking about my recent nuptials. A lot has happened in the past four years. My husband and I completed our sponsorship journey and he immigrated to Canada. I got pregnant just before the onset of the pandemic giving birth in the summer of 2020. I got a promotion at work. Mostly I have just been enjoying this crazy adventure called parenthood. Mostly this was just a quick update about what has been going on in my life immortalized forever on my personal blog.  

Wedding

So lots of news here. I'm getting married in August and it has been a traumatic planning to say the least. I couldn't convince my mom to come dress shopping with me and we argued over the reception venue. We had planned to go shopping for her mother of the bride dress weeks ago but mom decided it was much more important to attend the home and garden show as my parents have decided to redo both bathrooms here at the house.

Today I finally got my mom out to pick out her MOB dress. I can't say I actually remember ever seeing my mom in a dress before. We managed to find a dress quickly enough that we had time for shoe shopping as well. Somehow my mom ended up picking the exact same shoe as the one I chose for my reception but in a different color. I'm not upset, I think its quite cute. I find it interesting how my mom relies on me for fashion advice and I, in turn, rely on my friends.

I'm glad to have this done with as I am still waiting to hear back from my florist to discuss boutineres and corsages. I guess at some point I should mention that the man I am marrying is not the man I blogged about but the man I have been seeing for just under 3 years now. We're happy together and I can't wait to marry him.

Identity

As I am on the verge of a new beginning, engaged to be married in 3 months, I find myself contemplating the concept of identity. It all started with shoe shopping. One of my bridesmaids commented about needing to buy shoes and I suddenly found myself actually excited to plan a shopping date with my friend. Preparing for this wedding I have found myself embracing some of the more "classically feminine" behaviors. I've come to realize that at 29 years old I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I have embraced the opportunity to try things I never got to do growing up. I didn't go shopping for prom dresses with friends, or pick out shoes, or get my hair done up. Only as an adult have I been able to try these things. I am still trying to figure out what I like or don't like. I'm still trying to understand what it is to be a woman, to be "female."

Not long ago I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker. With gender identity being a topic of conversation these days we were wondering what it actually means to identify as a  woman. I can't tell you what makes me who I am or how I know I'm not something different. If we put stereotypes aside there really is no one-size-fits-all definition. Maybe there is a future where we don't have to identify as anything at all, where we can just be who we are without putting labels on it.

Sadly I think we are still a long ways from that. 

Been a while

It's been a while since I last posted. A lot has been going on in my life since then. I recently went through some hard times. It involved acceptance of the fact that I have indeed been suffering from depression, something I had long been denying. Plenty of thigns are starting to look up now though. I'm starting to be able to enjoy the good things in life. I'm taking care of myself again.

I even have someone special in my life. I won't go on and on about him as I did before. You don't even need to know his name. Suffice to say he makes me happy and makes me smile each and every single day.

I've also managed to come to terms with my sexuality. I accept who I am. My family still doesn't know, but I don't see any need to tell them. It seems like coming out to them about being bisexual is way to much grief for something that may never be an issue. It's only an issue if the someone special in my life is ever female. Right now that is not happening.

Anyways this was just a little update to say I am still alive and well. I don't know if I'll be writing any more recently as it seems that I tend to right more when I'm unhappy about life, or something is bothering me. This recent crises was the exception becuase I didn't even realize how bad things were getting until they went downhill fast.

Anyways that's life for now.

Strange night

Last night was a strange night. First of all I fell asleep in front of the tv. My mom came down at 4 in the morning and woke me up. For some reason when she woke me up I started panicking. I think it had something to do with a dream I don't even remember now.

Second of all when I got back to sleep I had a very frightening dream. I was 11 and for some reason I had found evidence against a criminal organization that had appeared in my neighborhood. Only the man in charge knew I had the evidence because he saw me take it. He tried to strangle me but I wouldn't give up the evidence no matter what.

Somehow I got back into the house. I tried to fax the evidence (which was in the form of some sheets of paper) to my mother but one of the bad people picked up the phone and interrupted the fax. There was some part when they were making me dig and were going to bury me alive I think (thank you Criminal Minds?). Only the one guy told me he wanted to help and told me to run and he would distract the boss.

Only when I started to run, he told the boss which way I ran and started coming after me. When they got close I suddenly stopped and started running in the other direction. Somehow I managed to reach the house even though I started getting slower and slower.

Soon my mom and dad got home. Mom realized something was up because there was more food missing from the house then should be. She found the bad guys in the family room and started lecturing them on using other people's stuff. She stuck a medicine ball on one guys head.

She tried to put me to bed but I was so terrified of these guys that I ran out and sat in the van. She sat with me. We had the front doors locked but for some reason the back ones weren't. They started trying to climb in. I kept throwing them out and tried to lock the doors but it was no use. Every time I thought I got them locked the bad guys got them open somehow.

Finally I got everyone out of the car and I managed to get the second in command in handcuffs. Only she got the handcuffs off. So I put another pair on her and was trying to get Hotch (from Criminal Minds) to cuff her legs but he wouldn't intervene. So I kept her under my watch till the police showed up.

I tried to impress on her how important it was to keep the girl locked up but I could tell the police woman didn't believe me. The second in command had dressed herself up to look like a victim who was assulted so that she could get away. I tried to dress her back up as normal as possible but it was hard since I couldn't find her pants.

That's when I woke up.

Middle School

As I think about it now, I feel like I missed out on something in middle school. Missed out on opportunities maybe. The first school I went to only had kindergarten to grade 6. I had to go to a different school for grade 7 and 8. Now that the other school that fed into the school I went to for grade 7 and 8 also has grade 7 and 8 I feel like the students from my school miss out on things.

It was weird going to a different school that had students who had been there since kindergarten. You felt like an outsider even in your own school. Especially when the students who had been there all along talked about teachers they had and people they knew.

By missing out I mean like the special opportunities given to some students. Many of them went to those who had been at the school for their kindergarten to grade 6 years, becuase they already knew the teachers from being around. Even though they tried to keep the grade 7s and 8s separate from the rest of the school to give them that "middle school experience", there were some things that were shared by all. We had computer classes with the same teachers for example.

I don't know. Looking back I just feel like maybe I would have enjoyed middle school more if I didn't feel like an outsider in my own school.

Strange Dreams

I have the strangest dream last night. At some point I dreamed that my cousin was married. Then in my dream he was getting a divorce. Now for some reason in my own dream I had recently separated from a boyfriend... who I think in the dream was some guy I haven't seen in a year. Anyways he didn't really want to talk to it, soays I started crying and he came out and we talked.

Then for some reason I was going out to supper... it was me and someone else came. We were sitting down to dinner at a fancy restaurant and I tried to order coffee but they told me they didn't serve coffee after 10 pm. So I ordered some weird drink instead. It was really weird becuase we were soon joined by some other people we knew and all of us were ordering by phone. Most of the people were kids I went to high school with. I ordered some weird platter that had rice, chicken, chocolate cake and ice cream on it. I think the rice was in some kind of sauce.

Anyways sometime between when we came in and got our food a bunch of rowdy people started coming into the restaurant. They made a HUGE commotion so the owner called the police. After we ordered I wandered off for a second and came to the same roudy people dancing up a storm on the dance floor.

After I came back, the drinks had been served and some of my "friends" had their meal. There was a drink next to me but I couldn't tell if it was my drink or the person next to me's drink. It later turned out to be his drink when they brought me mine. It was very good even though I don't know what in the world I was supposed to be drinking.

Anyways so soon my food came. I ate the ice cream first. But then for some reason I had to leave briefly. I ended up at home with another friend. We smoked and then my dad drove us back to the restaurant. by the time I got there most people had finished eating. They were clearing away the plates. I saw them clearing away my plate which had been basically finished on me and I got really upset.

The waitress proceeded to bring the two guys who had eaten my meal on me. I started yelling at them because I was upset. For some reason I was really mad that I had only got to eat part of my meal. Then one of the guys apologized and offered to pay for my meal for me. He gave me a mix of Canadian and American dollars to pay for it with. That still didn't help the fact that I was hungry.

That was when I woke up.

Monarchy

I think it is only natural that some of the great monarchies are fading. Today the average person, unless cut short by accident or disease, lives almost twice as long we did even 400 years ago. At least in developed countries this is so. The current British monarch (and monarch of many other countries as well) , Queen Elizabeth, has already seen 84 years come and go. Her own son has entered midlife. Her grandsons are growing up. With such long living monarchs, no longer do the people get to see a young and healthy monarch sit on the throne.... true many leaders of todays demoncracies are past their midlife... but you cannot ignore the appeal of a strong, young healthy monarch in which the citizens can be proud.

Note: this post didn't quite go the way I envisioned, and I left it on my draft table right now, but I decided to post it unedited just to give a taste of some of the stupid ideas that come to my mind

Stragne Dream

I had the strangest dream last night.

It all started when for some reason I bought two cars. One was a stick shift, the other was an automatic. I knew exactly what type of car was in the dream too but I forget right now. Anyways for some reason my older brother had put it on his transport truck and taken it away.

Then for some reason the rest of my family and a friend of mine, we all went up to the north where apparently this fictitious older brother was. He had my car in pieces becuase he was repairing a couple of things on it. But we didn't find this out until we were all chased into the caves by some species that was attacking the humans in the area. This place was very cold and desolate. At one point we ended up hiding behind canoes but they spotted us anyways. Those creatures did not like newcomers.

I wanted to just take the car and get out of there but they said we couldn't leave while this war was going on. The things wouldn't let us. So I went out exploring and somehow ended up in the tropical "zone" where the trolls lived. I don't quite no what happened right after that except that somehow I went to the trolls and got them to make a trade deal that forced peace between the humans and the guys who were killing that.

At this point we took the cars and went back home. But my parents were in a rush because my mom and dad were moving my little brother into university. So they were busy running around freaking out. And I was trying to get ready to go out on a drive to Tim Hortons in my new car.

For some reason a neighbor was giving me instructions from my mom after she left, only they were written on leaves of lettuce. Then I went home and my dad, who was supposed to be following behind them in the car, was instead trying to learn how to make bacon and eggs in a frying pan.

I tried to go back to the main house and get into my car, but then I ended up in this weird sort of restaurant thing. And for some reason there were these weird people around I knew. We were teasing this pig guy. Then I ended up down at the beach where some weird guys were looking for something. For some reason they thought I had this item and started attacking me.

I managed to struggle away from the shore in the water with the one guy. I kept kicking at him in an effort to get away. We were quite far out so it was only one on one at the time. He kept kicking on me but I was holding on to this fridge that happened to be out in the middle of the water for dear life so that I wouldn't have to face the other people. But I started getting tired and they dragged me nearer and nearer to shore. Then the one guy pulled out this pendulem thing to show them where the item was hidden and it pointed away from me so they let me go. And that was when I woke up.

Two more years seems so long

I graduated from high school more than three years ago. Yet I still have two years ago to graduate from my program, thanks to the year I took off. And at this moment graduate school may be a likely future for me. I think I want to get my masters in Psychology, though at this point I'm not entirely sure what area of psychology. I'm hoping my seminars will help me figure out what area I'm most interested in. But all this is drabble. With so much schooling left before me, it seems like I am still really waiting for life to "begin". College students haven't experienced real life yet. Sure you get to experience living away from home. But you haven't really experienced living on your own.

College students are still covered under most parental insurance policys. For some, mom and dad may still pay the college tuition. Even if they don't, you know you have mom and dad to fall back on in the hard times. You may go home for the summer. If you are living on campus you don't even have to worry about most of the bills being paid. Even if mom and dad aren't paying your way, Financial aid often will. So while the picture of the "starving college student" comes to mind, living off ramon and microwave dinners, the average college student in Canada comes from a middle class background, was raised in a middle class background and trully wants for nothing. For we all have our middle class homes to fall back on.

That is why its after you have graduated, gotten a job, and moved away from home for the first time that life truly begins.

Don't know

I don't know what I can do anymore. I feel like there are none of my friends I can trust. Whenever they are pissed off about something, I sit there and support them and try to be a good friend. But I feel like everytime I'm upset about anything I'm told I'm being a baby or behaving childishly. Something like that happened earlier today. I got upset at someone and went off to take some time on my own. Then I was confiding in someone I thought was a good friend about how I felt and why I was upset. When I came back later I found out that friend had basically betrayed my trust and relayed what I had said in confidence. And now I'm upset again because of what he siad to that. If I can't trust my closest friends I don't know who I can trust. There is no one left to confind in. I can't even tell the friend how I feel, becuase I know she'll just say I'm behaving childishly again.

Dreamworld

Recently I haven't been sleeping well. My sleep has been plagued by dreams. A few nights ago there was one where I was trying to sleep in water and being threatened by sharks. Later that same night I dreamed I was in class and saw my beloved on the beach in the arms of a pretty girl in a bikini.

Tonight there were dreams of my mother yelling at me. Dreams that I woke her up. Dreams that someone was going after my beloved and worse they might succeed. Dreams of dismembered body parts, and poison turning someone... well almost vampire-like but my dream gave me the name for these creatures... Kun. In my dream my beloved was one of them and it was another one of them who was trying to kill him.

There were also dreams of some childish tv show. They built a machine that had a camera and a mic and some other stuff. Then in my dream tthe device became real. And my father and someone else were using it to talk to some girls, and they were invading my burning need for privacy.

Who knows what these dreams mean... possibly just that I'm sleeping too much... but they are disrupting my sleep and so vivid and so... different. I dont' know what to do

Despair

Lately I find myself getting upset over the littlest things. It doesn't take much to send me off into a fit of crying. Some days I wish I could just sleep all day. I feel like I am turning into someone I despise, someone I loathe... someone I hate.

I fear that I am pushing everyone away from me. Even the man I love. Yet somehow I can't stop it. For most of my life, I've felt like I've been at war with myself. It was only recently that I at last seemed to have found some peace. But now I see my peace lying shattered. For the first time in months I thought about ending it all. It wasn't even intentional. The thoughts came unbidden. I know I would never go through with it, as I couldn't do that to myself, and I have so much to live for.

The only explanation that comes to mind is the environment. It can't be healthy being back in a place that holds so many painful memories. My mother promised I would be safe, but she has said that so many times before. Being back here is doing much for my mentality either. The negative feelings that persisted last summer are back in full force. I fear that the behavior I've been practicing has been messing with my meds. Yet I feel powerless to stop it.

Each day I tell myself "Not today. Not today". Yet each day I give in. I thought I might actually make it today. the day started off fairly well. I got up, I watched one of my favorite episodes of Criminal Minds. I checked my e-mail. I applied for some jobs. I played some AO. But then things started to go bad around 4:00.

I found out that my love was going to be away all day. It wasn't the fact that he was going to be away so much as the fact that he didn't tell me. I had to hear it through someone else. This especially hurt since last night when I was going to bed he told me he loved me and he would talk to me in the morning. I know I overreacted, and this knowledge just makes it worse. But I miss him, and I need to lean on him, and on his inner strength he may not even realize he has, in order to make it through the day.

Anyways if I keep talking about this I am going to start crying again. I may have to talk to the 'rents, since I may have to see a doctor about this. I don't like feeling this way... so down and drained of energy. I would rather be happy and fulfilled.

Heroism

It's an almost romantic tail. The hero is taken by the villain. The knights of the round search frantically for their missing comrade. Meanwhile our hero finds himself tortured and beaten by the villainous evil-doer. Ultimately the villain goes to kill our hero, but our hero, now free of the bonds that held him but supposedly broken, finds the strength to fight back against his tormentor. This leads to our hero ultimately shooting our villain, just as the knight of the round arrive. A pretty story that shows justice being carried out. Don't we all wish we could kill those who torture us in our daily lives, at least once in a while? Unfortunately it cannot be so.

However the world would be a much sadder place if we were all hell bent on revenge. We would spend our lives looking over our shoulders, wondering if that one mistake we made would come back to bite us and lead to our untimely demise. Most of the time it's easier to just forgive and if not forgive then forget. But sometimes, just sometimes it's too hard to forget. There are some people's who's cruel remarks or crueler actions stick with you forever and you just don't know how to let go.

The Wounded Heart

They say time heals all wounds... this is a myth. There are some wounds that cannot be healed. The scar tissue remains even as the memory of what caused it fades. The same holds true for the broken heart. Break it enough times and you will be left with a mangled mess. Yet all it takes is one soul to keep the heart from being completely broken. Unfortunately there are many people who seem to find this a challenge. They throw themselves into relationship after relationship, loving too easily just to lose. Unfortunately it is the ones who love the easiest who usually experience the most hurt. And each time it gets a little harder to move on. And each time there's a chance that they may give up and say "never again". Will you be on of those people broken beyond repair? Or will you be the one to save them.

A Valuable Lesson

So I learned a valuable lesson today. Because I write with the Office for Person's with Disabilities, my last test was late in being marked, so it wasn't available for Pickup yesterday. The marks weren't even available online yet.

This morning I logged in to check my marks before the last test tomorrow. I was very surprised to see that I had only gotten 5 marks out of 27! I was sitting there panicking. I was so upset because I didn't see how I could have written the test and gotten that low since I knew what I was doing.

So even as I was extremely upset, I thought to e-mail the TA saying I thought there might be mistake becuase UWace said I only got 5/27 which was extremely low and I didn't understand how I got that low becuase I knew what I was doing.

So I sat there feeling extremely upset for the next hour. Then I got an e-mail back from the TA. Turns out that somehow on the marks spreadsheet, the formula for calculating marks had been replaced by a 5. So that's what my mark went up as. Turns out I actually got 22.75/27.

So that mark is being corrected right now. The point of this story is that if you unsure or confused about something it never hurts to ask. Especially in the case of marks. Because mistakes do happen, and if you don't ask they may never be caught.

The Meaning of Life

It's funny how we go through this endless search for the meaning of life. And it truly is endless. Because one will never find what does not exist. The truth is life has no meaning, because all of life is just one fortunate accident. Even the fact that we have the brains and consciousness to contemplate it's meaning is pure dumb luck.

Although I suppose from the strictly biological point of view, life does have a purpose. The purpose is to produce offspring and carry on your gene pool. I find it funny that this is all of life's ultimate goal. Kind of makes you wonder what the point is doesn't it?

Love

You know what, I've decided I have no doubts at all. If things are meant to be than everything will turn out. He's sincere, I know he is.


He makes me feel so happy. Talking to him is always the brightest point in my day. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. It doesn't really take much to make my day. I love him so much, and he means the world to me. I have no doubts, and I can finally start dealing with those deep seeded trust issues I know and love so dear (/sarcasm).

On another note, I think one of my new years resolutions is to blog more frequently... and more happier stuff. I've realized that a lot of my posts last year are about.... unfortunate stuff. I'm hoping that this year will bring much more positive things to the table.

God I'm just so happy right now :). I think I've finally remembered how to smile. And not those fake "social smiles" when you are just trying to please the other person, real, genuine smiles.

Fear

One should not fear the dark... that is the complete absence of light. For in complete and total darkness there is nothing. Hidden sounds may spook us, but when no light can reach our eyes, we simply cannot see what isn't there. It is in the semi-darkness to which we are accustomed that fear lays.

Semi-darkness is the breeding ground of the monster. For without light, there can be no shadows. And it is in these shadows, and the semi-covert outlines, where monsters lie. Every little creak frightens us, and then imagination takes hold. The most innocent of objects, which to our eyes are not clearly defined, become the most menacing. Clothes turned into ghosts or devils. It is here that the monster is born.

Love...

I think I'm falling in love. Or have fallen in love already. I don't know. The point is, my own insecurities. He's told me how he feels in me, but the doubts in the back of my mind tell me he's too good for me. Even though I trust him completely. Most days I have no doubts at all, everything I feel just washes them all away. But I'm alone... say studying for class, those doubts come flying back. But I shall not let them rule me.

What will happen? Only time will tell.