Last night was a strange night. First of all I fell asleep in front of the tv. My mom came down at 4 in the morning and woke me up. For some reason when she woke me up I started panicking. I think it had something to do with a dream I don't even remember now.
Second of all when I got back to sleep I had a very frightening dream. I was 11 and for some reason I had found evidence against a criminal organization that had appeared in my neighborhood. Only the man in charge knew I had the evidence because he saw me take it. He tried to strangle me but I wouldn't give up the evidence no matter what.
Somehow I got back into the house. I tried to fax the evidence (which was in the form of some sheets of paper) to my mother but one of the bad people picked up the phone and interrupted the fax. There was some part when they were making me dig and were going to bury me alive I think (thank you Criminal Minds?). Only the one guy told me he wanted to help and told me to run and he would distract the boss.
Only when I started to run, he told the boss which way I ran and started coming after me. When they got close I suddenly stopped and started running in the other direction. Somehow I managed to reach the house even though I started getting slower and slower.
Soon my mom and dad got home. Mom realized something was up because there was more food missing from the house then should be. She found the bad guys in the family room and started lecturing them on using other people's stuff. She stuck a medicine ball on one guys head.
She tried to put me to bed but I was so terrified of these guys that I ran out and sat in the van. She sat with me. We had the front doors locked but for some reason the back ones weren't. They started trying to climb in. I kept throwing them out and tried to lock the doors but it was no use. Every time I thought I got them locked the bad guys got them open somehow.
Finally I got everyone out of the car and I managed to get the second in command in handcuffs. Only she got the handcuffs off. So I put another pair on her and was trying to get Hotch (from Criminal Minds) to cuff her legs but he wouldn't intervene. So I kept her under my watch till the police showed up.
I tried to impress on her how important it was to keep the girl locked up but I could tell the police woman didn't believe me. The second in command had dressed herself up to look like a victim who was assulted so that she could get away. I tried to dress her back up as normal as possible but it was hard since I couldn't find her pants.
That's when I woke up.
Showing posts with label Memoir. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Memoir. Show all posts
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Middle School
As I think about it now, I feel like I missed out on something in middle school. Missed out on opportunities maybe. The first school I went to only had kindergarten to grade 6. I had to go to a different school for grade 7 and 8. Now that the other school that fed into the school I went to for grade 7 and 8 also has grade 7 and 8 I feel like the students from my school miss out on things.
It was weird going to a different school that had students who had been there since kindergarten. You felt like an outsider even in your own school. Especially when the students who had been there all along talked about teachers they had and people they knew.
By missing out I mean like the special opportunities given to some students. Many of them went to those who had been at the school for their kindergarten to grade 6 years, becuase they already knew the teachers from being around. Even though they tried to keep the grade 7s and 8s separate from the rest of the school to give them that "middle school experience", there were some things that were shared by all. We had computer classes with the same teachers for example.
I don't know. Looking back I just feel like maybe I would have enjoyed middle school more if I didn't feel like an outsider in my own school.
It was weird going to a different school that had students who had been there since kindergarten. You felt like an outsider even in your own school. Especially when the students who had been there all along talked about teachers they had and people they knew.
By missing out I mean like the special opportunities given to some students. Many of them went to those who had been at the school for their kindergarten to grade 6 years, becuase they already knew the teachers from being around. Even though they tried to keep the grade 7s and 8s separate from the rest of the school to give them that "middle school experience", there were some things that were shared by all. We had computer classes with the same teachers for example.
I don't know. Looking back I just feel like maybe I would have enjoyed middle school more if I didn't feel like an outsider in my own school.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Strange Dreams
I have the strangest dream last night. At some point I dreamed that my cousin was married. Then in my dream he was getting a divorce. Now for some reason in my own dream I had recently separated from a boyfriend... who I think in the dream was some guy I haven't seen in a year. Anyways he didn't really want to talk to it, soays I started crying and he came out and we talked.
Then for some reason I was going out to supper... it was me and someone else came. We were sitting down to dinner at a fancy restaurant and I tried to order coffee but they told me they didn't serve coffee after 10 pm. So I ordered some weird drink instead. It was really weird becuase we were soon joined by some other people we knew and all of us were ordering by phone. Most of the people were kids I went to high school with. I ordered some weird platter that had rice, chicken, chocolate cake and ice cream on it. I think the rice was in some kind of sauce.
Anyways sometime between when we came in and got our food a bunch of rowdy people started coming into the restaurant. They made a HUGE commotion so the owner called the police. After we ordered I wandered off for a second and came to the same roudy people dancing up a storm on the dance floor.
After I came back, the drinks had been served and some of my "friends" had their meal. There was a drink next to me but I couldn't tell if it was my drink or the person next to me's drink. It later turned out to be his drink when they brought me mine. It was very good even though I don't know what in the world I was supposed to be drinking.
Anyways so soon my food came. I ate the ice cream first. But then for some reason I had to leave briefly. I ended up at home with another friend. We smoked and then my dad drove us back to the restaurant. by the time I got there most people had finished eating. They were clearing away the plates. I saw them clearing away my plate which had been basically finished on me and I got really upset.
The waitress proceeded to bring the two guys who had eaten my meal on me. I started yelling at them because I was upset. For some reason I was really mad that I had only got to eat part of my meal. Then one of the guys apologized and offered to pay for my meal for me. He gave me a mix of Canadian and American dollars to pay for it with. That still didn't help the fact that I was hungry.
That was when I woke up.
Then for some reason I was going out to supper... it was me and someone else came. We were sitting down to dinner at a fancy restaurant and I tried to order coffee but they told me they didn't serve coffee after 10 pm. So I ordered some weird drink instead. It was really weird becuase we were soon joined by some other people we knew and all of us were ordering by phone. Most of the people were kids I went to high school with. I ordered some weird platter that had rice, chicken, chocolate cake and ice cream on it. I think the rice was in some kind of sauce.
Anyways sometime between when we came in and got our food a bunch of rowdy people started coming into the restaurant. They made a HUGE commotion so the owner called the police. After we ordered I wandered off for a second and came to the same roudy people dancing up a storm on the dance floor.
After I came back, the drinks had been served and some of my "friends" had their meal. There was a drink next to me but I couldn't tell if it was my drink or the person next to me's drink. It later turned out to be his drink when they brought me mine. It was very good even though I don't know what in the world I was supposed to be drinking.
Anyways so soon my food came. I ate the ice cream first. But then for some reason I had to leave briefly. I ended up at home with another friend. We smoked and then my dad drove us back to the restaurant. by the time I got there most people had finished eating. They were clearing away the plates. I saw them clearing away my plate which had been basically finished on me and I got really upset.
The waitress proceeded to bring the two guys who had eaten my meal on me. I started yelling at them because I was upset. For some reason I was really mad that I had only got to eat part of my meal. Then one of the guys apologized and offered to pay for my meal for me. He gave me a mix of Canadian and American dollars to pay for it with. That still didn't help the fact that I was hungry.
That was when I woke up.
Friday, November 20, 2009
My own eternal battle
So there's something that has been bothering me a lot lately. And I think maybe I am going to regret writing this post later on, and maybe delete it or edit it but as Garcia says "Once something's out there on the internet sir, you can never take it back".
It all started somewhere back during the summer between 10th and 11th grade. I had been chronically teased about my weight, and I was under so much stress. I became obsessed with my body image. I weighed myself constantly. I started off not eating if I could avoid it, and gradually fell into a very bad pattern that summer and began purging after every meal. I lost a lot of weight that summer, losing somewhere around 20 % of my body weight. But my parent's began to notice something was wrong. I managed to pass it off as being do to nausea. They told my doctor about it. It stopped for a while... sort of.
I did it on and off for the rest of high school. But gradually it changed. Instead of just purging after meals, I was eating large amounts of food, and then purging out of guilt. By now it was the summer between high school and first year of universtiy. By first year of university everything changed. I was living in a residence, with a common shared bathroom, and I just didn't feel comfortable there. The binging still continued, followed by periods of restrained eating, but it was never enough. Over the next two years, I slowly regained all the weight, even though I would falls back into my bad pattern whenever I went home.
This past summer, everything got worse. My weight started to become a big issue. I was working away from home for summer. I was living in a dormitory with shared communal bathrooms but there were so few of us there that I could usually get the bathroom alone. I stopped eating properly. I would purge after every meal except for those increasingly rare occasions when I would eat at work. By the time I got home there would be no point. And even then I didn't really eat 'meals' except for when I had dinner with friends. I would instead binge on junk food and then immediately purge.
This continued for the entire summer. I thought it would end when I went back to university. That I would stop being able to purge and so I would maybe start eating healthy again. But it hasn't. I found myself binging and purging, only occasionally eating a healthy meal on campus. I'm spending way too much moenney on junk food, but I can't stop it. I've tried, but the anxiety becomes to much, and I have to carry though just to make it go away. Even that sometimes doesn't work.
And the anxiety has only gotten worse. First of all... at the end of the summer I had a consultation with a psychologist for a specific reason. The consultation included filling out a one of these inventories, I don't remember which one. There was a question on eating habits there, and I lied on one part just becuase I knew my parents would be filling it out too. It didn't matter though becuase the psychologist still mentioned bulimia nervosa in front of my parents. From my reaction he could see I wasn't comfrotable and so he didn't really address it then.
But here I am, studying psychology myself. And one of the courses I took this semester was psychopathology. And one of the chapters was on... you guessed it, eating disorders. The lecture on eating disorders was given by a guest lecturer. I felt so uncomfortable during the lecture and almost ended up in tears. Between that and the text book and the good old DSM-IV TR I could no longer deny what I had been trying to ignore for the psat 4 years. That if I went to a clinician who had the proper additional 2 years of supervised training and qualifications necessary to preform such diagnoses, that I would probably be diagnosed with an eating disorder.
Yet even that agknowlegement does not help me at all. I can't bring myself to seek treatment, to bring it up withn my parents, or anything. I know the stats... the word chronic if untreated rings through my mind. I am tired of it all yet I just can't seem to stop. My life has suffered, I feel so down sometimes, yet I don't know what to do. earlier this semester I managed to make my throat bleed yet again, but this time it was worse than ever because I scratched the bag of my throat with my finger nail. And then had trouble breathing from the blood I accidently inhaled.
One of the reason I can't talk to my parents is becuase I know I still won't get the help I will need. They will just ignore the porblem like they have for the past 4 years and tell me to stop doing it, the same way they have ignored the problem every other time I have asked for their help. I can't trust them to do the right thing anymore, yet I can't do this alone.
it's taking time from my studies. It's costing me money I can't afford to lose. I have no one to turn to and I feel so lost and confused. This is my silent plea, my final cry for help.
It all started somewhere back during the summer between 10th and 11th grade. I had been chronically teased about my weight, and I was under so much stress. I became obsessed with my body image. I weighed myself constantly. I started off not eating if I could avoid it, and gradually fell into a very bad pattern that summer and began purging after every meal. I lost a lot of weight that summer, losing somewhere around 20 % of my body weight. But my parent's began to notice something was wrong. I managed to pass it off as being do to nausea. They told my doctor about it. It stopped for a while... sort of.
I did it on and off for the rest of high school. But gradually it changed. Instead of just purging after meals, I was eating large amounts of food, and then purging out of guilt. By now it was the summer between high school and first year of universtiy. By first year of university everything changed. I was living in a residence, with a common shared bathroom, and I just didn't feel comfortable there. The binging still continued, followed by periods of restrained eating, but it was never enough. Over the next two years, I slowly regained all the weight, even though I would falls back into my bad pattern whenever I went home.
This past summer, everything got worse. My weight started to become a big issue. I was working away from home for summer. I was living in a dormitory with shared communal bathrooms but there were so few of us there that I could usually get the bathroom alone. I stopped eating properly. I would purge after every meal except for those increasingly rare occasions when I would eat at work. By the time I got home there would be no point. And even then I didn't really eat 'meals' except for when I had dinner with friends. I would instead binge on junk food and then immediately purge.
This continued for the entire summer. I thought it would end when I went back to university. That I would stop being able to purge and so I would maybe start eating healthy again. But it hasn't. I found myself binging and purging, only occasionally eating a healthy meal on campus. I'm spending way too much moenney on junk food, but I can't stop it. I've tried, but the anxiety becomes to much, and I have to carry though just to make it go away. Even that sometimes doesn't work.
And the anxiety has only gotten worse. First of all... at the end of the summer I had a consultation with a psychologist for a specific reason. The consultation included filling out a one of these inventories, I don't remember which one. There was a question on eating habits there, and I lied on one part just becuase I knew my parents would be filling it out too. It didn't matter though becuase the psychologist still mentioned bulimia nervosa in front of my parents. From my reaction he could see I wasn't comfrotable and so he didn't really address it then.
But here I am, studying psychology myself. And one of the courses I took this semester was psychopathology. And one of the chapters was on... you guessed it, eating disorders. The lecture on eating disorders was given by a guest lecturer. I felt so uncomfortable during the lecture and almost ended up in tears. Between that and the text book and the good old DSM-IV TR I could no longer deny what I had been trying to ignore for the psat 4 years. That if I went to a clinician who had the proper additional 2 years of supervised training and qualifications necessary to preform such diagnoses, that I would probably be diagnosed with an eating disorder.
Yet even that agknowlegement does not help me at all. I can't bring myself to seek treatment, to bring it up withn my parents, or anything. I know the stats... the word chronic if untreated rings through my mind. I am tired of it all yet I just can't seem to stop. My life has suffered, I feel so down sometimes, yet I don't know what to do. earlier this semester I managed to make my throat bleed yet again, but this time it was worse than ever because I scratched the bag of my throat with my finger nail. And then had trouble breathing from the blood I accidently inhaled.
One of the reason I can't talk to my parents is becuase I know I still won't get the help I will need. They will just ignore the porblem like they have for the past 4 years and tell me to stop doing it, the same way they have ignored the problem every other time I have asked for their help. I can't trust them to do the right thing anymore, yet I can't do this alone.
it's taking time from my studies. It's costing me money I can't afford to lose. I have no one to turn to and I feel so lost and confused. This is my silent plea, my final cry for help.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Eternal Sleep
Have you ever had thoughts of just ending it all? Earlier today I had one of those rare occurences. By rare I mean it wasn't triggered by depression, or thoughts of despair. Simply a single line in a story I was reading. "10 minutes". Ten minutes later and he would have never awakened. I don't even think the line actually mentioned waking up. Just the ten minutes. But the idea was there. And suddenly I found a grim picture jumping to my mind. A picture of taking all the medications I have, all at once, and simply lying down to sleep for ever.
Moral of this story: Stories about torture and abuse + lack of sleep do not a good combination make.
For those 10 seconds, while the picture was still resonating in my mind, was the second longest 10 seconds of my life.
Moral of this story: Stories about torture and abuse + lack of sleep do not a good combination make.
For those 10 seconds, while the picture was still resonating in my mind, was the second longest 10 seconds of my life.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Upcomming projects
I've decided to use this blog a little bit differently for a while. I have decided that I would like to write a short memoir of my life. While it may not contain everything I remember about my life, it will contain enough. So look for that in the upcomming days. I will try to be as thorough as possible with the details, and try to make it interesting to read, but I realize this might be hard at times, since some of the events I can't even put into chronological order even, but whatever. Expect to see the first instalment very soon. It will have it's own category so it can be picked out easily. Enjoy!
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