Been a while

It's been a while since I last posted. A lot has been going on in my life since then. I recently went through some hard times. It involved acceptance of the fact that I have indeed been suffering from depression, something I had long been denying. Plenty of thigns are starting to look up now though. I'm starting to be able to enjoy the good things in life. I'm taking care of myself again.

I even have someone special in my life. I won't go on and on about him as I did before. You don't even need to know his name. Suffice to say he makes me happy and makes me smile each and every single day.

I've also managed to come to terms with my sexuality. I accept who I am. My family still doesn't know, but I don't see any need to tell them. It seems like coming out to them about being bisexual is way to much grief for something that may never be an issue. It's only an issue if the someone special in my life is ever female. Right now that is not happening.

Anyways this was just a little update to say I am still alive and well. I don't know if I'll be writing any more recently as it seems that I tend to right more when I'm unhappy about life, or something is bothering me. This recent crises was the exception becuase I didn't even realize how bad things were getting until they went downhill fast.

Anyways that's life for now.

Monarchy

I think it is only natural that some of the great monarchies are fading. Today the average person, unless cut short by accident or disease, lives almost twice as long we did even 400 years ago. At least in developed countries this is so. The current British monarch (and monarch of many other countries as well) , Queen Elizabeth, has already seen 84 years come and go. Her own son has entered midlife. Her grandsons are growing up. With such long living monarchs, no longer do the people get to see a young and healthy monarch sit on the throne.... true many leaders of todays demoncracies are past their midlife... but you cannot ignore the appeal of a strong, young healthy monarch in which the citizens can be proud.

Note: this post didn't quite go the way I envisioned, and I left it on my draft table right now, but I decided to post it unedited just to give a taste of some of the stupid ideas that come to my mind

Heroism

It's an almost romantic tail. The hero is taken by the villain. The knights of the round search frantically for their missing comrade. Meanwhile our hero finds himself tortured and beaten by the villainous evil-doer. Ultimately the villain goes to kill our hero, but our hero, now free of the bonds that held him but supposedly broken, finds the strength to fight back against his tormentor. This leads to our hero ultimately shooting our villain, just as the knight of the round arrive. A pretty story that shows justice being carried out. Don't we all wish we could kill those who torture us in our daily lives, at least once in a while? Unfortunately it cannot be so.

However the world would be a much sadder place if we were all hell bent on revenge. We would spend our lives looking over our shoulders, wondering if that one mistake we made would come back to bite us and lead to our untimely demise. Most of the time it's easier to just forgive and if not forgive then forget. But sometimes, just sometimes it's too hard to forget. There are some people's who's cruel remarks or crueler actions stick with you forever and you just don't know how to let go.

The Wounded Heart

They say time heals all wounds... this is a myth. There are some wounds that cannot be healed. The scar tissue remains even as the memory of what caused it fades. The same holds true for the broken heart. Break it enough times and you will be left with a mangled mess. Yet all it takes is one soul to keep the heart from being completely broken. Unfortunately there are many people who seem to find this a challenge. They throw themselves into relationship after relationship, loving too easily just to lose. Unfortunately it is the ones who love the easiest who usually experience the most hurt. And each time it gets a little harder to move on. And each time there's a chance that they may give up and say "never again". Will you be on of those people broken beyond repair? Or will you be the one to save them.

The Meaning of Life

It's funny how we go through this endless search for the meaning of life. And it truly is endless. Because one will never find what does not exist. The truth is life has no meaning, because all of life is just one fortunate accident. Even the fact that we have the brains and consciousness to contemplate it's meaning is pure dumb luck.

Although I suppose from the strictly biological point of view, life does have a purpose. The purpose is to produce offspring and carry on your gene pool. I find it funny that this is all of life's ultimate goal. Kind of makes you wonder what the point is doesn't it?

Fear

One should not fear the dark... that is the complete absence of light. For in complete and total darkness there is nothing. Hidden sounds may spook us, but when no light can reach our eyes, we simply cannot see what isn't there. It is in the semi-darkness to which we are accustomed that fear lays.

Semi-darkness is the breeding ground of the monster. For without light, there can be no shadows. And it is in these shadows, and the semi-covert outlines, where monsters lie. Every little creak frightens us, and then imagination takes hold. The most innocent of objects, which to our eyes are not clearly defined, become the most menacing. Clothes turned into ghosts or devils. It is here that the monster is born.

Ongoing Tactile Hallucination?

Now I can tell I am sleep deprived.

I was studying last night and hadn't gotten much sleep this past week. As I was sleeping I was listening to music. I kept trying to pull the headphones out of my ears, even though I wasn't wearing headphones. I passed it off as the result of having spent way too much time listening to music through my headphones.

Earlier today I was writing an exam. The whole time I felt like my iPod headphones were still in my ears. And then the same sort of sensation extended to my glasses when I took them off during the exam. I kept trying to reach up and adjust glasses that weren't there.

It actually gets worse though. Because these "phantom headphones" Behaved as if they were plugged into my computer. Sometimes I could hear the static from my friends mic. Other times I could hear him talking. Sometimes it was just music or this buzzing sound. But it was an incredibly weird experience to say the least.

Social Aspects Reflected in "Glee"

The show Glee does a fairly accurate potrayal of teenage group dynamics. The group will band together when threatened by an outside force, or when individuals important to the group's distress are in trouble - for example when the blog kid announced to the whole school that Quinn was pregnant with Finn's baby, and the whole club showed their support. But it also demonstrates that while the group show's friendship, individuals within the group are not necessarily friends. A prime example of this is when Rachel said "I thought we were friends" and Kurt replied "Who said we were friends". Another example would be when Rachel asked Puck if they could still be friends and Puck replied that they weren't friends before.

Similarily, while the individuals bond in the group, they still retain outside ties that may provide them with a stronger identity, than that as a member of Glee Club. The cheerleeders all appear to be enjoying themselves when performing or during impromptu jam sessions. Quinn even admitted that Glee Club was important to her. Yet she and the other cheerleaders continue to spy for Sue Sylvestra and to do her "dirty work". This shows that their identity as a cheerleader is stronger than their identity as a Glee Kid. However now that Quinn is no longer a member of the Cheerios, it will be interesting to see how this effects her identity as a Glee Kid. The football players however...for the most part, have at one point renounced their identities as football players in order to retain their identities as Glee Kids. This shows that for whatever reason, the football players have a stronger tie to their identies as Glee kids than the cheerleaders do... perhaps because Mr. Shue is actually a stronger male authority figure for them then Ken is. While Ken is supposedly an athlete and Mr. Shue is a singer, it is Mr. Shue who is married, and lusted after by Ken's girlfriend, showing him to be the more dominant male, which makes him a stronger roll model for the young football players who see themselves as studs.

Another social issue raised by Glee is the double standard. The men are held to higher standards than the woman, althought the normal stereotypes are reversed. This double standard can be seen in the fact that Quinn looks upset when Finn tells her he wasn't completely honest about what he was doing that Friday night becuase he was actually over at Rachel's house even though nothing happened. However Quinn herself had been trying to use Rachel to distract Quinn so that she could have some time to experiment with Puck, and in fact had been dishonest about what she was doing (babysitting wasn't all she was doing). On top of that, Quinn had been lying the whole time about who the father was since she had in fact broken her chastity vow with Puck, who is the real father. Another aspect of this double standard, is Quinn's insistance that Finn get a job and pay for the pre-natal costs, while she refuses to do anything to pay for them herself, despite the fact that the baby is not even his. Meanwhile she refuses to accept any help from Puck.

Puck in himsefl is an oddity. He is the typical stud... looking for that one thing all teenage male's supposedly want. He is also what is reffered to as a "cub" spending time with "kougars". Meanwhile though, he retains some of his jewish identity, as seen by his desire to date Rachel simply becuase she was a good jewish girl. However some of his morals seems to be strued, so that his jewish identity is in constant conflict with his own self-identification as a "Stud".

Profiling and Human Behaviour

What gets me the most about criminal profiling, is that fact that even in the most dysfunctional and deviant of behavior, their is sameness. This fact astounds me, while at the same time leaving me with a profound sense of sadness.

It also astounds me that even as there are some who suffer years of emotional abuse and turn into killers, there are some people who have gone through hell and back, yet remain relatively untouched by it. I say relatively untouched, for even the survivor can never be completely free of what has happened to us. Even if years of abuse may not show itself in concrete ways, such as the development of psychopathology, it still helps define us and shape who we are, just as each and every experience we encounter does so.

Eternal Sleep

Have you ever had thoughts of just ending it all? Earlier today I had one of those rare occurences. By rare I mean it wasn't triggered by depression, or thoughts of despair. Simply a single line in a story I was reading. "10 minutes". Ten minutes later and he would have never awakened. I don't even think the line actually mentioned waking up. Just the ten minutes. But the idea was there. And suddenly I found a grim picture jumping to my mind. A picture of taking all the medications I have, all at once, and simply lying down to sleep for ever.


Moral of this story: Stories about torture and abuse + lack of sleep do not a good combination make.
For those 10 seconds, while the picture was still resonating in my mind, was the second longest 10 seconds of my life.

Where Did it go?

When we're young everyone always tells us that we can be whatever we want to be, and the whole world lies ahead of us. Our mind constantly changes as we explore the world, trying new things and figuring out our likes and dislikes. One day I want to be an artist. The next day an astronaut, maybe a writer. Through it all we dream. We are always constantly dreaming, about the future and what lies ahead. Yet suddenly I find myself 20 years old, in the middle of a university degree and I find myself wondering when did the doors close? When did my mind settle? No longer is the childhood colloquialism, "Be what you want to be" true. Many doors have already closed, and seemingly only one path lies ahead, straight and true. Sure the occasional path to the side pops up, but these are no more than faint trails, and to go down them would to leave the clear, well worn path, and travel into the unknown. Fear holds me on that worn path, the path I have carved out with every decision I've made and every door that I've closed. I find myself wishing I could travel back along that path, back to the crossroads, re-opening doors along the way. Yet sadly I cannot. I can't turn back time. I can't undo the decisions I made, and find a different path. But even if I could, I've come too far. Those are paths are far behind me, far enough so that I can no longer see where they might have lend. So even if I could go back, I wouldn't know which decisions to change. I'm stuck with the life I have carved for myself. My only consultation is the fact that there are still a few crossroads to come, and even now I find myself wandering down a beaten old track I hadn't even realized was there. I can only hope that this track will eventually join some other well warn road, and once again the future will become clear.

Even as I sit hear, I wonder what happened to those dreams. And then I finally realized: I never gave up on those dreams, I just stopped dreaming.

Always

It seems sad that some of the people I used to talk to every day online I hvaen't talked to in a while. It seems even sadder that I don't remember most of them. It's also sad to think of losing what was once a great friendshipper over a little bit of drama. However it's true that it's impossible to go through life unscathed. Nearly everyone is going to be betrayed by somone at some point during theior lifetime. Wheather it be by the leader of their country, someone they look to as a role model, a relative or a trusted friend, chances are you will feel that utter heartbreak that comes iwth knowing you have been betrayed. Something like that just cuts a person to the soul. And that's what drama is most often about. betrayal. (continue this later when I have more to say)

Keeping On Track

I've noticed that one of the hardest things about University is keeping on top of things. There are always assignments to work on, readings to do, and if it's not this weeks assignments then there are always next weeks assignments, or just general studying to do. Whenever you have an idle moment, you are filled with the knowledge that there is something else you could be doing, something more productive. If you don't keep up with the reading, it's so easy to fall behind, and it's even easier to never catch up. Right now I have sort of fallen behind in my CS 251 readings. I keep meaning to catch up, but every time there is something more pressing to work on, some assignment to do, or cleaning to do, or a million other things. Fortunately I am not so far behind that it is impossible to catch up at this point. It will just require a little bit of effort is all. But last semester, I fell so far behind in history that I never really caught up. I didn't do some of the readings and just read the summaries before the test. This was reflected in a mark that was somewhat disappointing and lower then I expected. Then again, last semester in general was somewhat disappointing. It's also easy to underestimate your workload, and not give yourself enough time to complete your assignments. This can lead to either loss of sleep or just not doing the assignment period. Both of these are terrible habits to get into. Speaking of sleep, I think I need to catch up on some right now so catch you later

Never To Old

Do you remember your younger days, days filled with fun, when Disney films were the coolest things, and every one of your friends dreamed of being a princess? Well it seems you are never to old for that kind of thing. I remember watching the Little Mermaid when I was a little girl and loving the Disney version of it (as opposed to the Brothers grim version where the man she loves dies). Now, or at some point within the last ten years, Disney released a new Little Mermaid movie. I'm quite sure that in true Disney fashion, they would have, as a sequel, released it straight to DVD which would explain why I would have never heard of it before. Anyways a friend told me about it, "The Little Mermaid: Arial's beginning" and so I proceeded to watch it. I might have thought, that at 19, I was to old for such things, but no. I laughed, and at times cried, my way through the whole thing and it was amazing, It serisouly made me feel like a little kid again. Thanks again Disney!

The State of Progress

Some random ramblings while I am way stressed out and suffering from lack of sleep due to exams, a stupid body, and just all around poor sleeping habits.

While waiting for my windows updates to configure (finally! I had been putting them off for like 2 days seriously. I know it's bad. It was my computer freezing that finally made me reboot), I had some sudden revelations I thought I would share with you.

First of all, I've realized I prefer the percentage completed to just stay at 0 % then to slowly (very slowly!) increase 1 % at a time. At least if it stays at 0 % I can feel like I'm not getting anywhere, but if it increases 1 % at a time at a very slow rate, I feel like I am actually getting smoewhere when in reality I am no better off then if the progress were not increasing at all. My rationalization behind it: in both situations it will still take an eternity to get to 100 %, so I would rather not kid myself into believing there is any real progress there.

Second of all, the most annoying thing is when it hangs there at 100 %. It feels like finally reaching your destination, only to realize that wasn't where you needed (or wanted) to be in the first place. It annoys me to no end, since if the update configuration is 100 % complete, there shouldn't be anything left to do.

The same thoughts can be applied elsewhere in life too. When someone says they are almost finished when the only work they have done is the trivial stuff, it's like the slowly increasing progress. They still have a long way to go, and they really haven't made any progress in the first place. The 100 % complete thing, is like anytime someone says they have completed something but can't show you the completed progress or there is something left to do. "I have it finished I just need to send it to you, it's done I just need to file it". If the last step isn't done, then you really aren't done and shouldn't claim to be done.

And those are my random ramblings on the state of progress.

To reason or to gain

Besides the fact that I am an awesome blogger, given the fact that I can't even remember when my last post is, I am back and I will get right into it.

Today I heard someone commenting on his own ability to think critically, commenting on how he always took an unbiased view of the world. Yet he went on to say that it was due to this unbiased view that he had no opinion on anything.

After last semesters experiments in the world of critical thinking I have learned some things. Yes it is important to take an unbiased view of issues. But the reason being able to look without bias is so important is because it is only then that we can decide, with certainty and without prejudice, what view we want to take.

In effect, by looking only at the unbiased view of things, this individual has undermined the very reason we try to remove bias. So we can get the big picture, so we can make up our own minds. And for what reason? So that he can continue to claim he is completely unbiased? In my opinion, it is a stupid claim, for no good reason.

I once asked for views on a certain book in a certain forum, claiming I had yet to form an opinion of my own. Besides being accused of attempting to write an essay without reading the novel, I was flamed for not being able to form an opinion of my own. I have grown since then, and know how this matters.

I think of it this way, looking at a new bill being proposed in parliament. You could look at both the pros and cons of passing the bill, take a completely unbiased look at what is being proposed and the possible effects it will have on society. But at the end of the day, what does that mean if you can't decide weather or not to pass the bill. Yes the arguments and examples are rudimentary, but I think I am getting my point across.

By reasoning without opinions, what really is there to gain?

Myth Vs. Religion

A little while ago I was having a discussion with some people about what makes it right to call something a myth, especially when referring to stories closely related to religion. In particular, someone wondered why we call Atlantis a myth, or why we call the Greek stories of the gods a myth when to them it was religion.

I have done some thinking since then. My history book talks about how about how religion for the ancient greeks wasn't so much about belief but about unity, ceremony, and ritual. It was not about morals or doctrine That got me to thinking. It got me to thinking about how the Greek (and Roman) gods were ungodlike. They created gods to watch over every aspect of lifes, but these gods were not godly. The stories they told attributed them with human characteristics such as lust, passion, and lust for power. In the gods they created their ideals of the perfect humans but their myths and stories ensured that they would always be identified as such, humans.

What is the What

First of all, I have to say that the book on which this title is based is an amazing book. It's very deep but also sad as it tells the tale of one of the Sudanese lost boys. The collaboration between the other and the story teller, the one who experienced it all first hands, gives the book depth and meaning. I am only about half way through because of my return to university, but the book is so good. It is one of those books that flip flops in time and space, but in a clear way, directed by the characters thinking, and by his memories. But the book is not the entire reason for this post.

The book makes reference to an old tale where the Dinka people were asked by G_d if the wanted to trade the cows they had been given for the what. This made them ask "What is the What" and supposedly people are still asking that question. Now, after reading this in the story, I had to pause and think for a bit, and ask myself "What is the what". To me, the what is anything to do with the unknown. Or rather it is anything that makes you ask, "what," and anything that makes you take that leap of faith out of your comfort zone, in hopes of a better future. Many people take that leap every day when they leave their job to find a new one, move to a new city or even a new country, or just leave everything behind to start a new life, in hopes of a better future for their children.

I believe we are faced with the what nearly every day. There are always people asking us to step out of our comfort zone. For me, coming to university was a big what. When I applied to my program, I sort of decided without much reasons, what program I wanted to do, and what university I wanted to go to. I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing, and I wasn't sure if I would be able to succeed here. When I start co-op in the summer, it may also be another what for me. Potentially I could end up working in a position in which I have to learn a new skill set for the job. I also could end up living away from home. That was part of the what of univeristy. Because I chose to go to a school out of my area, I ended up living away from home for the first time. And not only that, I was far enough away that I could not come home for weekends. But I knew that when I was coming here, but chose to come for all the benefits I thought it could offer me.

But these are just my opinions. So next time you are on a quiet street, ask yourself "What is the what". I would love to know what you come up with.

To Visa or Not To Visa

So I am getting my first Credit Card soon. It's a TD visa card. Now that brings up the question of to use the Visa or to not use the Visa. When do people use a credit card, when is it smart to use a debit card, or when should you just use cold hard cash. There is some sort of limit though by the fact that I will have a $500 spending limit. And the high 19.75 % interest rate is also something. Anyways these are the questions that the young have to ask.

Nerd Jokes

Here are some of the technical nerd jokes/sayings/random junk I have in my repetoire

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't"

"The sky is blue because god used the wrong hex code"

"graduation: "

"10111011>210111011: attack of the 2's"

"Redefining the meaning of CHANGE"

"System Error 121:Salutation File Not Found"

Viva la nerds and all they stand for in this world.